watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
