She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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