i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I could make wine with my vomit
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
