so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
