My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
