please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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