tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
