your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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