I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
