I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
