i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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