I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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