Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This baby is an asshole
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
