you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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