If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
