We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
