Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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