my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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