so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
