1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
