halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
