I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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