I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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