i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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