I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
