you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
