my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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