I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
