we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
