his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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