I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
