just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
