I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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