plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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