If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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