i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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