I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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