So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
