It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
