Tell her she can't have a vagina
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
