Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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