We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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