U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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