just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
