Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
