I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
