at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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