well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
