Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
