guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
