Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
