hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
