im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
