The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
