I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
