i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
