Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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