my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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