Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
